have you ever prayed for something, forgot about it, then remembered? well, a few years ago I asked God if he would break me…in his beautiful way of humbling and refining his character within me. I honestly don’t remember what prompted me to pray that prayer or even the season of life I was in, yet I remembered this prayer while having coffee with a sweet friend a few weeks ago and haven’t stopped thinking of it since. I’ve thought of all that life has brought since then. of what it looks like to be on a journey of brokenness. of ways I’ve changed and others, which I regrettably have not.
I have no doubt my Abba’s been answering that prayer and can’t imagine he’ll ever finish. I can be so stubborn and inflexible that his character gets shoved in a corner to make room for yours truly. why does it take a wrestling match for me to yield to what I know is important? to put my husband and others first and make my own selfishness take a back seat? to acknowledge the blessings of now before I freak out over the unknowns of the future? these are some of the deep roots within that need to be broken so that healing, growth, and freedom can take place. freedom to live within the grace that comes from knowing and experiencing life as God intended.
in this process of brokenness, I’d like to say that it’s extremely hard to have your faults brought to the surface. “pride, table for one? your table’s ready…” the real, raw depths of my character can be ugly. and it’s so hard to admit that those places exist…but, the reality is they do. by calling on God’s artistic hand to shape and mold me, I shouldn’t be surprised that he has to draw those things out in order to even begin to change me. but change is uncomfortable. and though I resist change, I know I need it. I know there are places in my heart that are dark and resemble nothing of God’s character.
He is gentle in spirit.
I can speak harshly.
He is loving.
I can be quick to judge.
He is patient.
I, on the other hand, can barely wait for my coffee to brew some mornings…
and, sadly, that’s no joke.
I long to be more like him. and I know that the grace and love that I’ve experienced in him shouldn’t stop with me. that if I embrace it fully, I really could be a better channel for that same grace, love and mercy to flow out to others. I could be one who allows myself to be stretched, changed, challenged, and driven by the life-changing character of God.
I could be beautifully broken, yet mysteriously and wonderfully whole.