As I've fought disease, I have experienced the hardest struggle yet with my faith. Not for lack of belief, but lack of feeling God's nearness. On the blog I'm sharing my first podcast ever, the story of raw faith.

When It All Feels Dark: A Podcast Episode on My Spiritual Journey in Chronic Illness

Today I’m doing something I’ve never done on the blog before.

Actually, TWO things.

  1. I’m sharing about what my faith has looked like in these years of suffering. The REAL emotions and the raw places. No pretty bows or shiny packaging here.
  2. I’m sharing via podcast…aka: BY VOICE. (Can you hear my knees knocking?)

I’ve hesitated sharing much more than little pieces here and there, quite frankly out of FEAR.

Fear that others will hear these words and give one of the many “cures” or critiques that I have come to dread.

Fear that the cognitive issues Lyme has caused would make recording this episode difficult (and they did – I lost track of how many takes it took to get it done).

But I took the tiny strands of courage I had and wove them together the best I could, to deliver this message to whoever would hear.

I believe this is bigger than any criticism I may or may not receive. That sharing my story is more important than any reason I may have for staying quiet. For labeling it as “too personal.”

So here it is. It’s nothing fancy, but it’s raw and honest.

I share for others fighting illness, loss, depression, fear or (insert your current life challenge here).

For the one feeling lost in the darkness and overwhelmed by the silence, aching to sense God’s nearness.

And for the one who’s walking alongside a friend or family member facing the storm.

It’s here for whoever needs to hear that they’re not alone in this struggle.

If you have wrestled with a similar experience or simply want to share your story, I’d love to hear from you in the comments below or via email: kami@livinggraceblog.com. We’re here to lean on each other.

Much love to you, readers.

-Kami

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11 comments

  1. Robson Mark De'prose says:

    I’ve just got over 5 years of a horrendous illness and i never ever thought i would be where I’m at today i laid waisting away in my mothers bed for 2 years and 1 year in my own home in gran canaria and after 2 years at my mothers house dying from severe depression and physcosis and a mental break down my friend had me sectioned and i had to have 12 sessions of E.C.T treatment and after the 6 session i woke up and when i looked in the mirror i had an awefull shock because i looked like an 80 year old but 3 years on I’ve beaten this dreadful illness and last December i went on a fat free diet and in 6 months i lost 7 stones after beating all this i lost my sight in my left eye 5 months ago i walked into a gospel church and on the 2 visit I was born again and i tingled from the tips of my hair right through to my toes and i cried and asked the vicar what was that feeling and he said God purifying your soul with the holy water and from that day on my life went full circle and after all my 45 years of suffering i now know what my reasons for being on earth is and that is to help the less fortunate souls on this earth and now I’m an actor and highstreet fashion model and i feel God and his son Jesus Christ by my side everyday and at last I’m at peace with myself and that feels truly wonderfull . I’m also a spiritual healer always have been and I’ve always been able to see spirit but since my sudden loss of sight in one eye i now hear spirit and pass on messages to people whom have lost love ones and that’s a wonderfull gift to have and i use it to help people connect with there loved ones and i give it freely I’m now going to pray for you and light candles in my home and ask God and his son Jesus to heal you more everyday untill your health is restored and if you just stretch out your hand and ask for gods help he will take hold of your hand and never ever let go of it and when that happens your life will come full circle as did mine and you will know your true destiny on this earth and you will suffer no more God bless you and may all your pain and suffering be gone quickly and I’ll pray everyday for you from now on as i do for many other souls on this earth whom are ill and i k is that if you pray everyday from this day forward God will hear you and answer your prayers love Robson Mark De’prose❤️

    • Kami says:

      Thank you reading and for sharing your story, Robson. I appreciate the prayer and hope for healing. So kind of you! I’m so glad you have felt healing in your own life and pray that continues. <3

  2. Kacie says:

    One of the hardest things I have heard while living with chronic illness is someone questioning my faith because of how I was struggling emotionally. (I won’t even go into the whole “If you had enough faith, God would heal you.”) It makes me want to cry just recalling it. That was back when I’d only been sick for a couple years and really needed support, so I had finally started a blog and just went to town describing life with chronic illness anecdote by anecdote. I would finish a post and be so pleased with how I managed to accurately put into words what I wanted to say. I felt like I was really accomplishing something. And the response did not go well. Because most readers were not living with chronic illness (most knew me) and so could not read my posts from that mindset, responses varied from worry to straight-up questioning. It was so upsetting, I ended that blog with one huge post basically defending Christians dealing with depression and struggles, with examples straight from the Bible. I don’t know why Christians with chronic illness seem to be expected to have bright and shiny faith that never struggles, or at least never struggles publicly, when the Bible is full of “great men of faith” who clearly had their struggles. Hearing your perspective definitely helps. Thank you for doing something so difficult and brave, in many ways. <3

    • Kami says:

      My heart felt heavy reading what you shared, dear girl. So much sounds so familiar. It is so hard when the natural place you find yourself sitting becomes the object to be fixed by other Christians. I think others are well intending, but acting out of discomfort and the belief that somehow it is unholy to struggle with the harder things. The emotions that are naturally dark, but certainly not evil. There doesn’t seem to be a distinguishing between the two for many believers, but there surely is! I loved that you referenced how full the Bible is of real people with real struggles – and their own heavy emotions. Thankful for those examples that remind me I’m normal! Sharing all that you did on your blog was so brave and I’m sure so validating to those that found it and were able to relate! Sending you such big hugs and love, friend.

      • Kacie says:

        Exactly. I do think the questioner was well-intended but I guess had never seen such a dark place of illness like mine. I love how you’ve said that it’s not unholy to be in a dark place–that’s just real life and real emotions sometimes! And as much of a no-brainer as that sounds on my end, it’s clearly something that only certain people understand, and typically only out of personal experience. There were a couple of readers who did find my posts the way they were intended to be read, which was so encouraging but did also make it harder to stop the blog. I think maybe it’s time to resurrect a few of those posts on my current blog now that it’s been a few years and I’ve come so far in so many ways (wow, what a thing to realize!). <3

        • Kami says:

          Yes it does seem to be something not everyone understands or even accepts, this idea of it being okay to NOT be okay. I cherish the friendships that “get it” so much. Oh and I would love to read your posts! Be sure to let me know if they go live. 🙂 xoxo

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